What is a Mistress?

A mistress is a woman who takes the concept of ownership beyond a single session or the dungeon environment in which sexual contact takes place. Instead, a mistress displays her dominance consistently, which gives a different feel and experience from a vanilla relationship, especially where sex is concerned.

BDSM is a discipline that thrives upon consent. For the submissive and the mistress to have good chemistry, both must attend to the considerations and safety precautions that are needed. This can consist of various contingencies, such as a safe word.

Mistress principles set up based on SSC and RACK. SSC is an acronym that translates to Safe, Sane, and Consensual. RACK, on the other hand, is an acronym that stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink. 

BDSM Roles – The Submissive

For the mistress to have control, there must be someone on the other end of the spectrum who gives up that semblance of authority. This person is the submissive. While a submissive has needs, this tends to be a person who derives pleasure from engaging in conduct that is pleasing to the mistress. 

To properly be submissive, one must be able to release all control. It requires an understanding of the fact that the mistress has absolute power in the bedroom. Typically, this person has kinks and fetishes, such as feminization in the case of male submissives, which can only be realized through the stoic and dominant nature of a mistress’ behavior. 

BDSM Roles – The Mistress

This is the woman who sits on the dominant side of the spectrum. The mistress is sometimes called a “top,” while the submissive may be called a “bottom.” There is an implied hierarchy in the dungeon, which states that the mistress is always above the submissive.

Even the communication that takes place is a testament to the dynamic of the relationship between the mistress and her submissive. Her words echo themes of being dominant and declarative. In most cases, the mistress only allows her submissive to address her with specific titles, such as “mistress” or “ma’am.”

As stated before, consent is a big piece of the puzzle. Once that consent is given, however, a mistress has free reign within the confines of the agreement to treat her submissive in any way she sees fit. This could include humiliation, bondage, whipping, forced chastity, etc.

Many people don’t understand the artistic nature of the dominant discipline. For many on the outside, it seems as if the women are nothing more than cruel people who get off on torturing others. However, the amount of attention to detail and care that goes into the practice is often disregarded.

You see, while the mistress is exerting control, she is also attending to the needs and sexual preferences of her submissive. It may sound like a violent practice that disregards care for humanity, but it requires much understanding, mercy, and humility. 

It is a practice that is well understood by those who partake in it, which is the reason that they become masters of their craft. One does not simply get up and become a dom.

Much preparation and training go into the discipline. Some persons use intricate knots in the execution of bondage fetishes. The art of knot tying to evoke certain emotions and to create imaginative positions requires training.

Toys form another big part of the equation. There are numerous implements that can be used by a mistress during her sexual practice. There are vibrating implements, anal beads, suspenders, gallows, nipple clamps, gag implements, etc., that can all come together to create a submissive’s fantasy.

The ability to use these implements to further the desired objective requires a mistress who is well equipped and understands her purpose.

On the note of that purpose, a mistress must work to preserve the mental energy and to evoke the physiological responses that create an optimal time for both persons involved. Sometimes, the acts involved, revolve around a fictional scene or scenario. While the submissive has a part to play, the onus is on the mistress to maintain the tension and chemistry that are needed to effectively follow through. 

Aftercare is another role that falls under the purview of a mistress that many people are entirely unaware of. While this is not always a necessity, a submissive can end up in a vulnerable state at the end of such intense experiences. The mistress must masterfully use various pampering mechanisms to offer comfort where necessary. 

Attention to aftercare is something that tends to be discussed prior to any sexual contact. There are many factors, such as the toys used, the intensity of the actions, mental and physical well-being, partner closeness, etc., that dictate if such care is required at all. The mistress must provide just the right amount based on the individual and the uniqueness of the situation. 

How to be a good mistress

How to be a good mistress

The final point of discussion speaks to the attributes that every good mistress combines to create the best time for herself and her play partner. These are as follows:

  • An open mind – This is required of both partners, but the mistress is the one who must read the situation and get as creative as is necessary to realize the goal at hand.
  • Empathy – A mistress is about being more than a ruthless aggressor. One must know how to adjust the severity of punishments and to show a human side.
  • Trustworthiness – A tense and worried submissive makes for a terrible experience. BDSM interactions sit on a pillar of trust, and a mistress must be able to create a conducive environment for this.
  • Communication – Direct and confident communication is a non-negotiable requirement. 
  • Enjoyment – Remember that the goal is for both partners to enjoy every interaction, feeling, and touch that takes place. Being able to balance the requirements of the context with genuine enjoyment is an asset. 
  • Pacing – Even in the BDSM practice, there is no need to treat things as if a boot camp is taking place. It is OK to be slow and gentle, as commands are not consistently needed. 
  • Know the rules – Prior to any activity, rules would have been established. It is essential to stay aware of these rules and act upon violations as required. 

Katie Belford

Katie is a British author, researcher, and sex workers' rights activist. She has been featured on multiple magazines and online publications.